“Self-confidence comes from the information and ideas we take in through the world that support a positive perspective about ourselves,” says licensed psychotherapist Rameya Shanmugavelayutham, LCSW. “Often we enter into the world with an abundance of self-confidence. Consider the young child who feels confident taking risks like jumping off the swings or dances without a care in front of a crowd. When a young child is affirmed and encouraged, they strengthen their sense of self and begin to hold cognitive schemas that confirm they are worthy, valuable, beautiful, intelligent, etc.” While many people often have a strong sense of confidence as a child, life often throws curve balls that can diminish confidence. Low self-confidence can feel like being unable to handle other people’s criticisms or difficulty trusting yourself and others. The great thing is, every moment is a chance to build evidence toward your self-confidence. To make up for what was lost, you can rebuild confidence over time through small and large moments that ladder up toward more self-trust. Notably, although they look similar on the surface, being shy or introverted does not equate to a lack of self-confidence. Shyness is a personality trait where some people are naturally timid around others. Being an introvert is also a personality trait, first described by Carl Jung as someone who prefers to turn inward to their internal world for reflection and insight. This is in contrast to extroverts, who prefer to engage with other people. (Here’s a quick quiz to find out if you’re an introvert or extrovert.) She says some factors that can contribute to a negative sense of self include: Again, the good news is that low self-confidence is fixable, and you are totally in charge of making it happen. Try this exercise to help you get to the possible root cause of your low self-confidence: Many of the “shoulds” in life stem from cultural or familial expectations. With all of these statements, it’s helpful to always ask yourself: Is this what I truly want for myself? You have the power to reclaim your life at any point. The more that you make decisions aligned with your true self and your desires, the more confident you will become in your decision-making. Shirin Eskandani, life coach and founder of Wholehearted Coaching, says one way to build self-confidence is to make small promises to yourself and then follow through. “And the key word is small. Do things that are a stretch but also realistic for you. So perhaps if you’re not a morning person, not committing to waking up at 6 a.m. every day to do a morning routine but instead trying out an evening routine.” A 2019 study1 found that growth mindset interventions led to better math grades for high schoolers and improved even more when students were immersed in environments that encouraged growth mindset principles. So it’s worth exploring your new growth mindset with like-minded people. “For a lot of us, we were usually taught that self-confidence comes from achievements,” certified life coach and leadership coach Nicole Cruz tells mindbodygreen. “However, this means that when we achieve, we feel great about our abilities, but when we fail, our self-confidence takes a hit. I truly believe that self-confidence comes from our own thoughts about our abilities rather than external achievements. So that regardless of whether we succeed or fail, we have the power to retain our self-confidence.” “Confidence can also be built by rewriting the narratives in our heads about our worthiness. This involves identifying self-limiting beliefs and reframing them,” Shanmugavelayutham explains. “Often the voice in our head that tells us we are not good enough is not our authentic voice but an aggregate of all the voices of those who have criticized us in the past. When we talk back to the inner critic enough, the confident inner-child that we lost touch with can reemerge.” Emotions go through a cycle of beginning, middle, and end. Although emotions can feel really intense in the moment, they are only temporary. At the very basic level, emotions are physiological responses to stimuli in your environment. If your Wi-Fi goes out right before your work presentation, you may experience an acute pang of stress. If you receive a surprise package from your sister, you may be overcome by heartfelt joy. If you get a text from your ex, you may feel a sharp streak of hot sadness. Whatever the stimuli and paired emotion, they’re all data points to inform your next action step. In terms of confidence, any emotion like anxiety, stress, or fear that is holding you back from taking action is only temporary. Once it subsides, you can make your next move. As the saying goes, “Feel the fear and do it anyway.” Take, for example, when you’re working on a presentation, she says. You might invest a lot of energy into other people’s opinions, the outcome of your project, or your peers’ reactions to your work. To build self-confidence against things you don’t have control over, Cruz advises to focus on the things you can control—for example, how prepared you are, your passion for the presentation topic, and how much work you’ve put into it. “Remind yourself of these things consistently and repeatedly until they become your new beliefs,” she adds. Grounding yourself in things you can control, even just one aspect of your goal, will provide you with more stability to move forward. And remember: Building confidence builds more confidence. By starting in the places you have control over, you can ensure that you build confidence from a place of inner strength. Curating an intentional environment to develop your budding confidence is crucial. Share your experience with a few close friends who are on the same self-development journey. Find resources in your community like therapists, coaches, podcasts, blogs, and books to help build a foundation for your new confidence. “Compassion is key in cultivating self-confidence,” Eskandani says in an email interview. “Holding on to past ‘mistakes’ or ‘failures’ really affects how confident we are. If we can be kind to ourselves and allow ourselves to let go of these moments, then we allow ourselves to trust ourselves.” “There are many ways to build self-confidence. One approach involves processing and uprooting the formative experiences that may have contributed to a negative sense of self. While this can be done through personal reflection and journaling, it can often be more effective when done in relationship with a safe support person such as a therapist,” Shanmugavelayutham says. Catahan currently runs, writes, and lives in San Francisco.
