Don’t believe the narcissist’s dire and threatening predictions about your future, but also don’t ignore their threats. Take steps immediately to protect yourself both physically and psychologically. Taking action can help defuse your fear. Change the locks on the doors, open a separate bank account, close or remove your name from all the joint credit cards, and stop making any requests for help from the narcissist. Don’t respond to hostile emails or texts, and keep copies of any verbal and written threats in a notebook. It would be ideal if you did these things during the first days after separation. (Here’s our full guide on how to leave an abusive relationship in the safest possible way.) However, it’s been my experience that most caretakers don’t even think to do these things for weeks or months. The sooner you do them, the sooner you’ll start feeling in control. If you find yourself shaking, unable to think, unable to eat, startling easily, and inundated with anxiety, you will need to calm these feelings before you can do much of anything. This is the time to remember to breathe. Sit or lie down somewhere comfortable and quiet. Put one hand over your heart and one hand on your diaphragm. Slowly breathe in, feeling your lower hand and then your upper hand move out as your lungs fill with air. Then slowly breathe out, feeling your lungs deflate and your shoulders drop. Do this to the count of four—four counts on the in-breath and four counts on the out-breath. Most people find that doing this breathing series even four or five times starts the relaxation process. If you are in deep distress, you may need to do this for 10 to 20 minutes. This exercise is not a waste of time. Your body may be so tense that you can’t fully relax, but it will help clear your mind enough to think again. It brings your cognitive functions back online. If you find that your body stays so tense that you find it painful to breathe and you can’t sleep, then a relaxation or sleep medication may be helpful for a while. Used carefully, these medications can help you keep your panic in check. Talk with your doctor about what you are going through and ask what is right for you. Disengagement is more than not talking, texting, emailing, or interacting (although the no-contact rule is critical). It also includes emotionally letting go. To emancipate yourself from the narcissist, you have to quit caring what they think of you. You also need to let go of any dependence on the narcissist—emotional, physical, and financial. If you have young children, it may take years to completely disengage. But you can begin to separate yourself emotionally when you quit allowing the narcissist to be your judge, the person who defines you, the person whose opinion is most important to you, and the person who controls your emotions. Disengagement means taking back control of your life instead of letting the narcissist determine your feelings. Get the narcissist out of your head as your judge and jury right now, and you’ll find you feel significantly better, more optimistic, more creative, and happier. (Here’s more on how to get over a narcissist, emotionally speaking.) The narcissist used to be your closest and most trusted companion—the person whose responses mattered more to you than anyone else’s. That is gone. They now see you as the enemy. So when you continue to expect that the narcissist will consider your feelings or entreaties, you’ll probably be deeply disappointed, and your requests will trigger their guilt and hostility. Being businesslike gives you more power. Be calm and rational, stick close to the topic, and refuse to be sidetracked. When you stay calm, the narcissist is the only one reacting emotionally and looks more clearly like the crazy person they are. Don’t be intimidated or embarrassed by the narcissist’s horrible behavior. It’s all right for information about the narcissist’s genuinely dreadful side to be visible to others. This makes the truth about their behaviors clear. You used to enable the narcissist by keeping those behaviors hidden, but it will do you no good now. It may be a tremendous relief to you to quit covering up, and it allows the rest of the world to see the narcissist more authentically. I’m not suggesting that you gossip or talk derogatorily about the narcissist. Simply state facts without covering them up. Stop apologizing for the narcissist, and quit dismissing or explaining their rude and negative behaviors. You do not want to bad-mouth the narcissist to friends, family, or your children. Speak only the truth about the actual behaviors and words of the narcissist. Overall it is best to let people see for themselves how the narcissist acts under stress, which just requires you to stop covering it all up. I also recommend that you keep a journal of your thoughts and feelings. It’s surprisingly calming and validating to put down on paper your experiences and insights. It can help you sort through the confusion and figure out what you want to do about this huge change. It’s also a good memory trigger to help you stop “forgetting” and diminishing those negative interactions with the narcissist. Now is not the time to be stingy with yourself. Invest in your health and healing. Put your time and money into services that provide good emotional care. Taking care of yourself is not selfish; it is good sense. It will also pay off for your friends, children, and loved ones in less worry and distress for them, too.
