So why do we tell the same sad story and reinforce the misery despite the costs to our personal and professional lives? There is a growing body of research trying to understand this habit. With all the negatives associated with complaining, what positive end is this behavior trying to accomplish? Well, when I work with someone who is constantly criticizing their partner, I try to help them see the underlying desire within their gripes. When the complainer is someone we deal with regularly, like a friend or co-worker, there are a few things to remember. If we look at complaining as the misfired expression of a wish, there are three sources where it can come from: If you know someone who is a complainer, here are two options you can use to make the outcome better for everyone: It’s one thing to express sadness, grief, or anger about an event in your life. In fact, it is essential to our health that we recognize our feelings and pay attention to the message they give us. If we don’t allow ourselves to feel our sadness, it can get stuck in us as ongoing grief. If we don’t see our anger as a message that something needs to change, it can turn into resentment or feelings of being victimized in other situations. If we don’t use our fear to recognize present danger or if we focus on the fear from a dangerous situation in our past, it can turn into anxiety; we may imagine the worst-case scenario even if there is no reason to expect it. Paying attention to our feelings is necessary, but complaining is not. Complaining does, however, point to a source of distress. If you suspect you are a constant complainer, look for the trouble underneath. Find the courage and support to deal directly with the issue, and focus on what needs to be different. Ask yourself what the positive intention of your complaining is, and see it as a message pointing to an action. Want to complain less? Give this weeklong challenge a try.
