Most people who identify with these behaviors have the same attachment style, characterized by insecurity, called insecure attachment style. One of several attachment styles, this attachment style can make it difficult for people to make deep emotional and intimate connections with a partner, Chamin Ajjan, M.S., LCSW, A-CBT, tells mbg. “An individual who has an insecure attachment to another typically feels anxious about the relationship and whether or not their own needs or desires can be met by the other person,” holistic psychologist Nicole Lippman-Barile, Ph.D., says. “They may expect the person to abandon them or hurt them in some way.” Insecure attachment is an umbrella term to describe all attachment styles that are not secure attachment style. The three types of insecure attachment are anxious, avoidant, and fearful-avoidant, which are also known in children as ambivalent, avoidant, and disorganized. “It’s essentially how we were emotionally cared for—or not cared for—as children growing up,” Lippman-Barile explains. People with insecure attachment styles generally lacked consistency, reliability, support, and safety during childhood, Ajjan says. (Here’s our full guide to attachment theory and how each attachment style is formed.) For example, a child who is clingy toward their caregiver will generally be clingy toward a romantic partner later in life. Likewise, a child who learns they can’t rely on their caregiver may end up never willing to rely on a partner as an adult. Regardless of the partner’s behavior, a person with insecure attachment may never feel secure in the relationship, she explains. Along with interfering with romantic relationships, Ajjan says an insecure attachment can also lead to poor emotional regulation, depression, anxiety, and low self-worth. It may be helpful to take a test to determine what type of insecure attachment style you have, whether anxious, avoidant, or fearful-avoidant. “Knowing why it may have developed, and how, is helpful so you can start to work on these feelings and behaviors in your relationship,” Lippman-Barile says. Ajjan adds that therapy can help people unpack these underlying factors, learn new coping skills, become more mindful of their thoughts, feelings, and needs. Investing in healthy and supportive relationships is also important, whether it’s with friends, loved ones, mentors, or a partner. “Working with your partner and communicating this is helpful as well so that you both are mindful of these patterns and have a strategy to work on them,” Lippman-Barile says. To develop a secure relationship, she says both partners will need to trust each other and feel secure as independent individuals. Though people can’t change the way they were raised, it’s possible to develop healthy coping strategies in adulthood. Being aware of a person’s attachment styles may be the first step in that process.
In order to develop more secure relationships, you need to understand your own attachment style. The tips above, like therapy, are great ways to help unpack some of these underlying issues and learn to practice secure attachment.
