In other words, when these incidents stand alone, it’s easier to move on from them relatively unscathed without it detrimentally altering your way of being or relating to others. However, when these events are strung together, we begin to form a mosaic colored with a demonstrated history of repeated, emotional wounding. “If not addressed, these subtle hurts build up over time and undermine a person’s view of their self-worth and self-esteem, in turn compromising the capacity for healthy relationships,” holistic therapist Sarah Rocha, LPC and CCTP, tells mbg. That means people who deal with micro-traumas will find it difficult to properly nourish their mind, body, and soul, as well as form healthy relationships with others. If perceived putdowns keep happening to you (e.g., why does my mom always nag me about my career choice?), it may feel like you need to stay on high-alert to fend off the next anticipated attack. But staying in a state of hypervigilance to protect your self-worth can be painful and constricting. As more of these slights stack together, it can build an impenetrable wall that you refuse to let down, distancing from others to avoid further hurt. This unkind cutting back of a relationship can be a form of micro-trauma, especially if it’s recurrent in a person’s life: “Unkind cutting back is an unexpected, unilateral bid to attenuate a relationship in a way that [creates] hurt, confusion, and frustration,” Crastnopol explains. “The decision to reduce contact occurs summarily and without a convincing explanation. By shortening or postponing contact, spreading it out, or minimizing its original importance, the one stepping back from contact inflicts micro-trauma by undercutting the other person psychologically.” Some people can be “locked into either a self-diminishing or overly self-contented attitude in a way that generates collateral damage in others,” says Crastnopol. “It feels familiar and, in some way, suited to oneself. Much of the person’s energy goes into proving that trying to grow would not only be folly but psychologically disastrous. … When they make efforts to try to do things differently, they abandon them before they could possibly yield fruit.” While the person may not view this as a damaging act—they’re not making a fuss or rocking the boat!—this can be harmful to friends and family who are there for them and consequently get tangled up in their stagnant entrenchment. Over time, it takes a frustrating and often destructive toll on everyone to keep enacting the same toxic dynamic. To make matters worse, that chronic indignation can sometimes bring out uglier tendencies. Although anger can absolutely be healthy, for many people, reacting from a place of self-righteousness can often steer you to places that don’t serve you or your relationships. “The expression of unbridled indignation in personal relationships is often directly detrimental to whomever may be the object of the rageful sentiment,” Crastnopol notes. “Self-righteous anger can stimulate reprisal and retribution rather than correction.” At first glance, it’s easy to wave off the negative repercussions of engaging in this type of interaction. After all, it doesn’t seem that bad. But this behavior is a seductive trap, creating false situations that call for further insincere niceties and, most importantly, an inability to see things as they are. By partaking in this selective erasure, you cannot communicate honestly or accept the shadow parts that we all innately possess. By striving to appear to have only socially desirable attitudes at all costs, it leads to a dangerous repression of a host of emotions that can be healthy if they are expressed, like anger, anxiety, and shame. Crastnopol characterizes this tension as “an intensified closeness that tends toward co-opting the other.” “Uneasy intimacy is the problematic stepchild of intimacy, a kind of insecure closeness that can feel thrillingly engaging but also unsettling. This form of intimacy is an alluring but confusing bond that ends up thwarting you more than helping you, undermining your belief in your own judgment and weakening your trust in others,” she explains. Once you notice the pattern, it does become easier to see the difference between love and emotional dependency, and you can learn how to stop being emotionally dependent in your relationship. “The connoisseur’s mindset involves a preoccupation with seeking ever greater refinement in his or her knowledge, mastery, or level of appreciation. This often ends up structuring a form of relatedness wherein the ‘savvy’ person—for better or worse—inducts another person into the intricacies of a given subject matter, field of endeavor, or a way of being,” Crastnopol explains. There are no absolutes in life, and things are not black and white. When you filter everything through a singular view of a teacher or an institution, there’s a possible loss of autonomy in trusting your own agency. It can also narrow the relationships in your life, the very relationships that help round out your way of thinking with their additional perspectives. Over time, this loss of contact with your own way of thinking can psychically limit you and become a form of micro-trauma. “While you do not have to [explicitly] talk about your trauma, it’s important you share your feelings and emotions with someone face to face, someone you trust who will listen with compassion. Talking about your emotions with another person can help shift the energy in the body, and you can receive positive support and validation,” Rocha suggests. You can also journal, meditate, or read books about micro-trauma as self-healing practices. “Adopting new ways of relating will take experimentation and considerable practice,” Crastnopol confirms. But the benefits will be great: “Understanding micro-traumatic patterns can help reduce a person’s troubled feelings, end their propensity for engaging in damaging ways, and in so doing, greatly boost his or her emotional growth.”
