Enter, the narcissistic mother. This is what a narcissistic mother is essentially about. While a healthy amount of self-love is important so we respect and care for ourselves—and also show others how we should be treated—the narcissistic mother is all about her. She believes she is entitled to that, and she is incredibly self-absorbed. It’s one rule for her and another rule for everyone else. Whether she is a grandiose narcissist who needs to be the loudest or shine the brightest or the vulnerable kind who has to compete about who’s suffered the most, she lacks empathy for everyone except herself. Sometimes, it’s a combination of the race to the bottom and the top. And she may even enjoy watching her own children suffer, as she plays out her manipulative machinations. When we say narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) in psychology and psychiatry, what we’re really meaning by “personality disorder” is that this pervades their functioning in life, affecting their relationships, careers, and well-being. Hence, the qualifier “personality.” And someone with NPD will not, and cannot, change. This is because having a more acutely sensitive antenna helps you to survive. It’s better to think Mom is gonna treat you badly, so you learn to run away before it happens, “play dead” by making yourself as invisible as possible, or be obsequiously nice to please her. Just in case. These trauma responses are so deeply embedded within you, they act on autopilot. You’re likely to be this way in other relationships—and you’re hypervigilant for any time you may get into trouble, always in a state of anxious watchfulness. This severely depletes your energy levels and health over the long term. But because you’ve lived with this your entire life, you’re not aware of just how exhausted you are. Until you get some respite. Unfortunately, a narcissist’s children are brought up to dismiss how they feel. Not only did Mom invalidate or gaslight you, but you also learned that the best way to survive is not to feel anything. Instead, it’s to convince yourself by being overrational, that it’s not that bad. And to stay positive—aka, toxic positivity. Everybody is born with an innate sense of what’s right and what’s wrong—our intuition tells us that. But because you’ve learned to smother your gut, silencing it in order to survive, you don’t know when your body is screaming out to warn you against other toxic people. As children, the easiest way we take control of situations is to blame ourselves. If you were to visualize self-blame as a muscle, then by adulthood, this well-pumped muscle has become the size of the Hulk. You’ll experience guilt for things you did and the things you did not do. For being human—experiencing certain emotions, making mistakes every human makes—and for the things others did, that you blame yourself for. And you’ll shame yourself because you see yourself as a fundamentally bad and unlovable person. Otherwise, if you kinda know what you do not stand for, and even sometimes say your peace, deep inside you do not believe you have permission to have boundaries. And so, people don’t honor them. You also overgive and solve others’ problems unsolicited—that’s way easier than taking care of yourself. What these two fancy words really mean is the trauma leads our brains to bring us back to similar situations to resolve the original trauma. But because this is largely unconscious, your brain brings you back to repeat the same patterns with Mom or with someone like Mom—even a person who’s a romantic partner of another gender or someone who’s younger than you. And of course, such toxic situations mean that the trauma never resolves itself; instead, it compounds. Repeat this situation enough times, and it feels like a never-ending bad magic spell. You learn to be helpless and start believing that this curse is your destiny. Because it’s unconscious, you are suckered back into such relationships over and over again. The traumatized child inside you believes, “If I work harder, this time, it will be different.” Being brought up by a narcissistic mother, you might develop an insecure attachment. If you’re anxiously attached, you could fear that your partner does not want to be as close as you’d like them to be and interpret many things unnecessarily negatively. You might lash out and then feel worse. Or, you could protect your autonomy at all costs, keeping others at arm’s length and being a closed book. This is detrimental to nurturing intimacy because an avoidantly attached person is always misinterpreting others as impinging upon their independence. Or, you could be a combination of both anxiously and avoidantly attached. First things first. We went to school and learned loads of nifty formulas and facts—you might even have many, many fancy degrees. But we didn’t learn crucial life skills and financial fluency or boundaries. So please, enough beating yourself up. Otherwise, you’ve left the playground, but you’ve become your own bully. 24/7. You might protest that this makes you inauthentic. But you don’t go to war without weapons or shields. Remember this, and you can then reserve all your energy and authenticity for those who have your back. It also means expect bad behavior from her. And discount any good behavior as flukes or costly manipulations you’ll have to pay for later. Do not be hoodwinked. What this translates to is learning to give yourself permission to have boundaries and learning how to have boundaries—you lay down the law. Take comfort in the fact that you will learn to be more discerning and flexible with your boundaries, so it’s OK to start rigid—like any skill you practice, it feels awkward and inflexible initially. As you’re doing these, you’ll also be grieving deeply. You’ll have to come to terms with the fact that the mother you always dreamed of will never be. These would be things you should do with trained professionals—a mixture of therapy, coaching, energy- and bodywork, as well as supplementation, to take care of your gut and brain. The thing about healing is that’s not your final chapter. Look to the person you’ll become. Consider those beautiful chapters of your life, after healing. In essence, you’ll become the champion and parent your younger self never had. This is the real “do-over.” May that comfort you and guide you forward in your journey toward true freedom and peace. She has been featured in Elle, Forbes, and Business Insider and has previously worked with Olympians, business professionals, and individuals seeking to master their psychological capital. She works globally in English and Mandarin-Chinese via Skype and Facetime, blending cutting-edge neuroscience, psychology, and ancient wisdom.
