The four main parenting styles create a framework for how we evaluate and describe child-rearing decisions. But these styles are not stagnant—you can, for the most part, fall into one “type,” while still exhibiting behaviors of the others. Or cultural norms can play a role in how these parenting styles are exhibited. What we’re saying here is that while these may be distinct and differing styles, there is nuance. Licensed psychologist Nicole Beurkens, Ph.D., CNS, agrees: “They rarely say no to their children, tend to use bribes to shape behavior, and don’t generally provide much structure,” she says. Unfortunately, this parenting style means kids grow up without structure and therefore “struggle with taking responsibility, do more poorly in school, and tend to have self-esteem problems.” What she found was four styles, those being authoritative, uninvolved, permissive, and disciplinarian (also known as authoritarian). “What it comes down to is where the parent falls on the grid of sensitivity and expectations,” says Pressman. “Sensitivity is about warmth and nurturing your child’s needs and emotions; expectations are about instilling responsibility in your child and setting boundaries.” Here, a quick recap of the other styles: “Secure boundaries set by the parent, not negotiated by the child, reduce anxiety. Rules and routines like meal times, bedtimes, homework time, and screen time—that are set and monitored by the parent—create predictability in a child’s life. Predictability reduces uncertainty, and that reduces anxiety,” notes author and therapist Krissy Pozatek, MSW. “Parents should not value a child’s self-expression over a child’s sense of security. For example, when a child tries to negotiate a later bedtime, this comes at a cost of the child’s sense of security because it allows the child to feel he or she has more power than the adult.” One easy way to do this for children is by setting up household chores and responsibilities with instructions about when and who should complete them. “It’s a really important thing: Research has found that kids who have chores build critical life skills. The point is that they learn how to become contributing members of their household, manage daily self-sufficient life skills that you need as an adult,” says author and child care expert Caroline Maguire, M.Ed. “I believe in that kind of citizenship: You are a member of this family unit, and we all help each other out. I am not asking you to do something that I wouldn’t do myself. When people grow up and become part of a relationship—be it partner or roommate—you think of others. You don’t always just take care of yourself. Chores teach that.”
