Swingers engage in sexual activities outside of their main relationship as a shared bonding experience with their partner. This means that most extra-relational sex that swingers engage in happens where their partner can see and/or join in with it. Many swingers refer to themselves as being in “the lifestyle,” which essentially means that swinging (and often other behaviors such as kink and BDSM) are an integral part of their sexual identity and inform the way that they organize their lives. “Most swinging is not a sexual ‘free-for-all,’” Lawrenz says. “Rather it is an orchestrated manner of like-minded sexually curious individuals engaging in activities as a means of enhancing their relationship.” There’s a misconception that swingers are people who “are unable to commit, do not know how to create boundaries, or are in troubled relationships,” says AASECT-certified sex therapist Janet Brito, Ph.D., LCSW. Another misconception is that it can help save a dying relationship, adds sexologist Shamyra Howard, LCSW. The truth is, in fact, the opposite. “Swinging is not prophylactic for troubled relationships. It won’t prevent cheating, and it won’t save a relationship. Swinging is only recommended for couples who feel secure in their relationships,” Howard says. While all swingers technically have an open relationship (i.e., the permission to have sex with people outside of the relationship), not all people in open relationships are swingers. People in non-swinging open relationships often engage in their extra-sexual relationships without their partner present and sometimes even have a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy regarding hookups. In swinging, couples do a lot more sharing of the sexual experiences and sharing stories with each other about any extra experiences, because this is erotic and exciting for people who like to swing. Some swinging couples also may only be “open” to outside sexual partners in specific situations, i.e., when the couple is jointly entering into a specific swinging experience together. Swinging is also not the same as polyamory, as polyamory involves the creation and maintenance of romantic as well as sexual bonds with multiple people. “Unlike polyamorous individuals, swingers are not actively looking for other people to form romantic relationships with,” says sex therapist Aliyah Moore, Ph.D. “Typically, swingers are only looking to have sex with others with no or limited strings attached.” Swinging is strictly sexual, and swingers often have minimal contact with and no romantic feelings for the people that they swing with. What binds together all three concepts, however, is that they are all forms of consensual nonmonogamy and require a great amount of trust, communication, and honesty, says Brito. It’s also worth knowing that a “unicorn” is a single woman who is open to sex with heterosexual couples (here’s our full guide to threesomes, btw), and that “closed door” refers to being OK with your partner having sex away from your line of sight. It’s really important that you don’t coerce your partner into going along with what you want, Brito adds. Swinging will only be enjoyable if both parties are enthusiastic and informed. A top tip is to put aside some time for you two as a couple to reconnect and check in with each other after the experience. You can discuss how the experience was for you, what went well, what was challenging, and anything you might like to alter if you try the experience again. Enlisting the help of a sex-positive therapist who specializes in consensual nonmonogamy can also work wonders in this situation. To set the best base for a successful conversation, make sure to bring it up at a time when you know your partner will be in a relaxed mood with no pressing tasks to attend to. “Gently bring up the topic by adopting an open and curious approach. Use ‘I’ statements to show ownership of your desires,” recommends Brito. “Ask questions to learn about your partner’s values, and practice nonjudgment if your partner is not on board. If this happens, agree to table the topic, and circle back at another time.” In short, make the conversation a true conversation, and not just a statement of what you want. Really listening to what your partner says, and responding to it from a place of love rather than defensiveness, can take you a long way. Once you have opened up the conversation, you can suggest that the two of you research swinging together. Framing it as a mutual exploration will make your partner feel more secure. “If you’re the partner who initiates the conversation, make sure you get a clear ‘yes’ from your partner,” Moore adds. “Both partners in the relationship need to be at the same interest level when it comes to swinging before trying it.’
